What on earth are we here to do? Honestly, do you know?
Winter reflections in Melbourne #boldsteps, 2014
Have you ever felt like the whole world, the universe and everything in it is colluding to spit you out from the shell of a life you have built – comfortable as it is – and launch you headlong into the nether?
If you are, you’re feeling a bit like me.
I’ve spent months in turmoil. All in the name of deciding what the next steps in life will be.
Do I leave an awesome workplace or not? Should I move house or not? Can I take risks that might open surprising opportunities? Or do I risk continuing as I am, with the next five years of my life looking terribly like the last?
In the height of what I should more accurately call ‘indecision’ I found myself paralysed by fear.
My muscles were sprung for the sprint of my life in your classic fight or flight mode and yet they were as atrophied as a woman who had done little more with those muscles than schlep to the kitchen for a cup of tea. (Oh, I’m a woman who’s done little else… ok I did play hockey for a time even if I have given it up this season).
I honestly believe there was a five week period when I couldn’t muster a single coherent thought. It’s quite a problem when you need to make decisions.
So without one limp, lame and dull idea making its way to a single brain cell – I was at an impasse.
The one and only sure thing was this sole idea – and it stirred not from my mind but from the deepest place within – things must change.
Happily, change was imminent. My workplace was restructuring. (That was probably the world, the universe and everything in it colluding, step number one).
What surprised me is that I’m sure my 20 year old self would never hesitate to make spontaneous changes in life. Age has brought caution, along with a labourious weighing up of pros and cons. I used to hate lists, now I’m the list queen.
As circumstances were rapidly changing, I was overcome by doubt. My melodramatic side might even call it a deluge of mental anguish.
Who am I? What on earth am I here for? What am I meant to do? Questions, quite frankly, I thought I’d resolved in my twenties.
Doubt, though, is not so evil.
Of course, doubt can (temporarily) stop us from taking action, or undermine positive life affirming circumstances and relationships (if we let them). Whilst doubt seemed to cause a total decision-making meltdown in me, it can also serve us.
I encourage you to explore your doubts.
Doubt challenged me to think deeply about the very issues and concerns I had.
It led me to scrutinise the lifestyle behaviours and choices I took for granted. It helped me unearth what I truly thought and believed on certain issues. And it magnified the workings within – unearthing my values, beliefs and aspirations.
Doubt challenged the status quo in my life. (The world, the universe and everything in it colluding, step number two).
My doubts have led me to the crossroads of change. And right now I’m standing before some pretty great choices. Choices that will provide challenges, opportunity and a whole lot of fun – if I let them.
So what helped my decision making? Recognising going back isn’t an option and realising I really do want new opportunities and new challenges.
In the height of my paralysis I took time to think.
I moved to a suburb by the river with incredible trees and peaceful streets. I now return home each night to a sense of enchantment.
I also went on a short road trip, arriving at Tarrawarra Abbey to stay at the Cistercian monks’ guest house. When one of the Brothers asked me how I was going, I lamented that I was questioning my existence. Surely I had thoroughly tackled this at least a decade ago.
He gently suggested that I’m likely to revisit this very question of existence more than one or two times again before my life is over. (This is the moment I might have grunted in the presence of a monk). I was comforted nonetheless. (The world, the universe and everything in it colluding – and finally recognising I’m a part of it – step number three).
Eventually, I made a decision – moving with the wind of change.
This blog, my new business and the journey ahead are all a part of my #boldsteps.
It hasn’t been so bad after all. In fact it’s been exhilarating exploring new ground in this wild and brazen world that sometimes causes us to question - everything.